A Tale of Two Decades

20..

I look at the number and think of it as I shift my skin into the comfort of my new age... 

Many around me, congratulate and wish me the best for yet another year added to my 1st fifth of a century..

I look around and see, my thoughts clearer my mind faster my reasoning better.

Like the past 3 years.. This day where I come of age brings me more sorrow, and grief than joy..

Alas, I live I breathe so I am thankful. My mission has not yet changed, it is more acute than ever before now.

Become self reliant, assist those that assisted me on my journey to the top.

I should be feeling different no?

Well I don't... I don't know why I don't feel different...

I am yet to fall into the reality that with my height and my size I am 2 decades old... 

I have lived... I have learned and I'm struggling yet I am not turning back.. The only way I believe in is forward, I know no limitations to progressive positive achievements... I know no bounds.

Happy 20th birthday to myself.

02/02/1995

The End Of 2014

This whole week people have been writing their longest last updates of the year, some of how they will change next year some of how they will remaint the same. The pessimists, those ones are buzy updating that there's no use saying you'll change next year... 

But I say.. Change comes from within.. You embrace it as an individual. It is not some journey that should be undertaken in a group if you aim to discover who you really are.

Well say what you want.. Do as you please.. This is the last day of the year..

Do not hesitate to say as you please... We all deserve a clean slate. Othe peoples negativity should not rub off on you, no.. Never.

Well for me 2014 has been an awesome year.. I increased my credibility in a lot of ways.. I achieved what I wanted to and that was taking part in the nationals.. God blessed me with great symbols for my high level results, he gave me extraordinary associates, friends and acquaintances this year.I have some memorable moments in this year for real..

 I dint really lose someone close to me but my heart burned because of the many women we lost gruesomely at the hand of their men.

Even though one year late, I finished school and did it so with flying colours :). When next year comes my ambition will make me thrive more.. I promise to expose myself more.. I promise to make a bigger mark than I did this year.. I promise not to miss any opportunity to become successfull I do not crave to be remembered, I desreve to be remembered.. And as for life I will live it according to the guidance of my Lord.. 

Thank you

And I Keep Chasing...

The first time i saw you, I remember.
I remember I told myself I would have you
These were words spoken in vain
Words led by illicit desires only
Desires, immoral, unethical and inconsiderate
Desires to prove to my alter ego that I  can have whoever i want.
I approached you, spoke to you.
I charmed you.
Unfortunately that was not enough!
It was not enough to make you grant me what i wanted best for my ego.
An affirmative...
A yes...
No sentiments were present in the beginning.
If there were any, I noticed them nor felt them not.
For your physical being is all i required.
All i wanted.
I failed,
You never gave me the yes i so hoped for.
Never brought me as closed to having you as i imagined.
My pride was damaged.
My masculine demeanor forced me to continue trying to get you an every time i failed
I retreated  to come back another day.
Failure taught me nothing, it only made me bitter.
 I was still not getting you...

It has been well over a year now
And i still haven't given up,
Time has transformed my thoughts.
I no longer want you to prove a point
Or to fulfill my past devious desires.
My yearning has turned genuine.
Time has transfigured crazy infatuation into gentle love.
I wish only to have you as a better half now
To have you assist and keep me going whenever I can not.
I have seen past your ineffable beauty now..
I have spoken to your heart,
Written you essays and odes of proposals,
I've heard you speak at your weakest
Laugh in your joy
Sulk in your pain and I am still around.
Now more than ever
I want to be a part of you.
I am sorry my manly desires would not let me see beyond at first
But now that I do.
Deny me no more
Cause me no more sleepless nights
Torture my thoughts with ''wait till hell freezes over'' not one more day...
I know i began in a fashion that is alien to good but i have learned my fault.
I am for you for I seek change,
I seek one to better me.

You shake your head and say you're not the one I need
But I like an accountant, have calculated, articulated, and analysed
Every possible effect of my quest and
In the end I still get this
WITH YOU I WOULD BE COMPLETE
It's sad
I don't have you because
 I'm still chasing and
You are still running....

INTELLECTUAL NUTRITION

THOUGHTS IN MOTION

1. Tolerance.
Let others live the way they choose to, be a critic only of mind... if spoken, do so to assist not to degrade.

2. Isolation.
In its prime it becomes so loud that the screams of silence echo about the corners of your mind.

3.Silence.
Every moment kept to oneself with no words uttered is a time for innate creations of our minds to come to life.

4.Reservation.
Be fooled not when silence befalls one uncivil to it's nature, it does not always mean problems engulf them, nor does it mean they require your pity or much less sympathy.

5.Dependence.
When happiness becomes dependent on the presence and affiliations of other people, we become miserable.

6.Knowledge.
A fool seeks to be acknowledged and convince he's always right, a wise man seeks only to assist and learn from his faults and those of others.

A Haiku a day can make the pain go away.....

No perfect goodbye...

A PIECE FOR A BEING THAT IS NO MORE...



Her words are still eloquent as I take myself back on memory lane.  Seems it was just yesterday when she was giving out instructions of chores to be done and responsibilities to be fulfilled.
That women with no height and skin that has contorted due to decrepitude  was the centre of my family's existence, the root which held us all together, Mother, her Brothers, and Sisters.
Today her passing still leaves me with Questions of "HOW", a yearning to find an answer to the "WHY IT HAD TO BE HER" which keeps me until late midnight.
Her please for me to study are ever vivid and her voice still echoes within the boundaries of my mind.
The soft pats from her ancient hand to wake up for school, are no more.
Her ever aristocratic hospitality has gone with her to the land where carbon dioxide pollutes the lungs or oxygen is needed to cleanse the body.
Her absence has left a void too big to be filled by another, it is like a lover that has had their heart broken by their first love, damaged beyond repair.
I think of the life I now live without  her, my days have turned darker. it is as if POSEIDON has called a storm unto the book of my life, no sunshine, no rainbows, only thunder and a downpour of hailstones and raindrops.
She is no longer here to be the wiper that engulfed the setbacks of the storms in my life, no longer is  she here to offer me an umbrella in the rain.
Her light heart is no longer in existence to provide my being with the covering to ease my cold feet.
SHE IS GONE.
SHE NO MORE.
The tears I have cried inside have made no use for the resurrection is still not scheduled to take place in this land.
She has gone to take her rightful place amongst the angels, around GOD's ROUND TABLE.
In heaven she now sits watching me.
As I struggle to live this life she has left me to endure.
With no more counselling from her wise being or assistance from her exceptional intellectual mind.
YES SHE HAS GONE.
 But to a place far better than this.
 Where the lion and antelope live as family and black and white know no racial segregation.
Her departure has left vacuum in my heart.
REST IN PEACE GRANDMOTHER.

ITS BEEN EXACTLY 12 MONTHS SINCE YOU LEFT...

What Inspires Me???

I am inspired by the endless struggle of every women to make a proper living for her child.
 I am inspired by every real man for trying to create a great bond in their family.
I am inspired by all the educators that give their all in classrooms.
 I am  inspired by fellow learners...that have so much to do yet fight and pass.
I am inspired by every young one who didn't make it in school but is still determined to succeed..
 I am inspired by our leaders.. The ones that try to give us a better tomorrow.
 I am inspired by all those that have a dream and a desire to achieve it.
 I am inspired by a nation with so much potential to thrive.
 I am inspired by Namibians..
 Yes! Even Meme Maria who sells vetkoeks at the corner of the shop to get money for her grandsons school fees.
Even Tate David who spends most of his nights sleeplessly in Walvis Bays" Icy weather... guarding a building to make  a decent living for his mother back in the north.
 Even the law enforcementk officers that ris their lives in every corner of our country's kasie's/hoods trying to bring us justice
Even the young niggas husltin to make a dollar to take back home.. Yes they inspire me..
I Immanuel Scar Tomas am inspired by anyone who perserverse in times of darkness to gain greatness and success...

Truth

Writing and Poetry completes me..

I read blogs..
I read books..
I read newspapers..
Every piece of writing.. Put together with a meaning behind..
I consume the words.. With the absorbing tentacles of my mind...
I understand with every bit of the gray matter i have in me..
It is a mutual thing..
Comprehension from one writer to another..

 Its not so hard..