Ever since the month started I have been on a roller coaster
of enjoyment, a merry-go-round of alcohol consumption, unquenched lust and a
thirst for so so many social evils. This I have been doing with a devil may care attitude that has
gotten me nowhere in the good books of those closest to me, at home they think
I am turning out to be nothing better than someone very close to me that was
consumed by the liquor and subsequently ruined by it. I on the other hand tell
myself, it is only a phase I convince myself that I will get over it and in so
doing it will be one of those things I can casually talk about in conversations
for the far future, “I once did that too, and it did not pay” conversations to
heed and lead the young to a better path, advice for the youth, wisdom to the
ones that wish to learn.
Slowly but surely I realize that I have been telling myself
this lie so long it has started feeling like the truth. I can handle the
drinking, the smoking, I can handle the thriving, but can I? Can I really? No I
can’t man, not even a little, my body was never engineered to take in alcohol,
I’m what you call a light head, a couple of beers, a glass of two of something
to scratch the throat, something that will make you squint your eyes and
believe me you, I am out like a bulb, The very bulb that Tomas Edison brought
light to. How do I know it is a lie, everything I always convince myself of is
a lie, I know because I can never get myself to really commit a 100 percent to
the cause of leaving alcohol, I can never subliminally vow to not drink
anymore, all I do is hope that I don’t get drunk when I’m sober and wake up the
next day with a throbbing migraine and no memory after the drink that got me
drunk. I am susceptible to this, I am a slave to the drink, will I ever be
freed? I want to be freed. So bad,
I want to be freed because now I live in a shattered home.
The source of my food intake, and income wills not to speak to me for I have
done her wrong so many times that if I could count, not even the tally of an
abacus would quantify the measure of how many times I have disappointed. I tell
myself next year will come and I will go back to Windhoek, become a better person,
study harder leave the drink but I always have the demoralizing voice telling
me, shit, ‘you gon keep drinking until you drop’. That is not what I want
because I am being an embarrassment for all the things I stand for when sober,
I am no contrary to a Pentecostal pastor that does not practice what they
preach, ruined from the beginning. Home is no longer the same because instead
of accepting one another, we tolerate one another now, look at each other in
eye corners and under our breathes we mutter
words sharp enough to make the devils skin cringe. I do not want it to be this
way not now.
Society has almost labelled me a CERTIFIED ALCOHOLIC by now.
The things I do when drunk, the words I say, the people I talk to, the memories
of last night that I never have. Those humiliating moments that society
conserves to upload on social media for a laugh about how crazy a chill or a
thrive was, even if these updates are at the expense of reputations or one,
that is mine. These defining events that carve you out as what you become when
drunk and not sober, the number of times you let your gentleman bar fall
because of how you lose coordination when drunk. These will always be factors
that society will associate to who I am because I am who I am when drunk. Alas see,
it is not who I want to be, I want to be
much greater than a guy behind a beer, or that bottle of Jack I want to be an
example to the kids that I can make it with having to drunk myself into
oblivion but quite that path.
So this is what I am going to do, not try but do. I will no
longer smoke, anything other than hookah, I will not consume alcohol, it is
even expensive and it does not build, looking for greener pastures is never
good with a tainted vision. I have to be focused, I will chill I will thrive
but may the power of energy drinks be enough a high for me to thrive. You
change you don’t remain the same, and that is what I plan to enforce here
today, upon the principles that guide me to a better tomorrow, upon God who
shall be my only witness but most supreme in ruling, I will get out of this I will
no longer be the alcoholic disgrace, that I have been for the past couple of
years. It is too much and I just cannot anymore, I have lost so much and
brought about mountain loads of controversy and truth be told I am tired of the
spotlight, I am tired of being the center
of attraction for laughs, puns and slurs about how bad I am when drunk.
I will not go to waste, I shall not deteriorate with the
dust that will become of alcohol close to me, I will rise and so as to conquer
the empire of my life, I will slay thrive and become a person that will say
“alcohol almost ruined me, but I did not allow it to”.
Stay safe.
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