IF EARTH GAVE IN TO OBLIVION AND ENDED!!

I have so much to achieve still but believe me, I have lived. If the world stopped spinning the clock stopped ticking and time froze to signal the end. I would be happy I would be free of the chains of life that I like many others have been tied with.

Earlier I said I have not achieved much yet, and true I have not, but the only actual thing I really want to achieve is instilling pride in the lives of those that have helped me grow from my despair and those that have made me the individual I am today, if that happens and I was given an “end the world button to keep” do not be mistaken because I could press it any day for I have lived with no regrets and done to the peak of my abilities. You wonder, why he is not afraid of death, I am not afraid because all of this might just disappear someday…  I am not afraid because I have thought it, and accepted it long before you started questioning existence. Oh I have also lived for not so long but I surely have a lifetime’s story to tell with the chapters I have written in my time of existence.

I am not afraid of the end. I have had the love of a woman, so strong, passionate, that love that makes you think of everything that surrounds you with a subliminal reflection of her. I have gone to bed thinking of her and waking up to the memory and hope that she is fine just as she was when I was dreaming of her and her painstaking beauty. I have held her in her time of grief wiped away the tears as she shivered and cried all at once to days that were dark. I have kissed slowly, deeply and finally created a personal description for the taste of skin that is part of why I am not afraid for the world to end. I have enjoyed the company of a woman, of women too. I know how it feels like to be heartbroken, it first happened in the 4^th grade, I can still recall how she never loved me enough but she liked my friend because he had a cooler bag, lunchbox and pencil case, but at that time only some would understand that the heart wants what it wants and it chooses what to deem beautiful and that time to her, that was of desire. I have conquered and broken hearts, ignited feelings in women, I have lived to be the potential comparable suitor of many and in the short infinities I became that, but it did not last. What change can the future bring that I have not seen with my experience with women. That is why I say I am not afraid.

I have been rebellious. I have taken so many risks I fail to count the number of times my hotheadedness has left me with no friends or with scorn from society on both my hands. Countless times I have been a patron of trouble, the host for mischief and the conceiver of controversial brainchildren. I remember a time in my 2 decade life when I refused to stand down from a fight that was lost from the beginning, what was I thinking going against a set of twins twice my height? I got the majestic beating that day, but I put in my scores on the data sheet as well. My hard headedness has seen admiration grow for me from some and others bred loathe for me, It still did not stop me from always taking the other direction when everybody follow the instructed right. I always took left, I guess it all started after I learned that I learn best from my own mistakes and people are snakes that will strike to the best of their convenience even if that may result in your downfall, it is you and not them so the matter becomes of little consequence. I have always been the black sheep in every class society has thrown me, whether it is for the greater good, or if I was prime evil, I was always and will in some cases still be public enemy number one. If I have lived life on the down side, I am not afraid of the end you see.

I have been productive. With reference to the system that dictates that you need it to succeed I am in line though with obstacles here and there, I have managed to still be an academic and excel in with the education game. This system that forces us to think in a certain way I have taken by the neck and dragged through the sand in show of my victory dance, in spite of all the hardships I have faced over time I have emerged a warrior, though punished, not defeated. I have made associations with people whose minds vibrate on synonymous frequencies as mine. People with a passion for things that ignite my inner child, maybe there are more out there but for now I am content and if I must go happy I will for I had the chance to be a part of a world that boasted so many gifted individuals.

Ultimately, if the world were to end today, I would be satisfied with what I have done, maybe not happy with how I have lived but I walked my own path I painted my own portrait sang my own song, so I am happy, conclusively of the future to come that shall still see the earth, may you allow me to see more priceless sights, and give me memories I can take to the next life that is promised, so I may say I lived, I had joy and I Conquered. The end might just be near, think to yourself, how would you feel if a Higher power told you it is near, what would you do that you did not DO?.

Pouring Out The Devils Juice!

Ever since the month started I have been on a roller coaster of enjoyment, a merry-go-round of alcohol consumption, unquenched lust and a thirst for so so many social evils. This I have been doing  with a devil may care attitude that has gotten me nowhere in the good books of those closest to me, at home they think I am turning out to be nothing better than someone very close to me that was consumed by the liquor and subsequently ruined by it. I on the other hand tell myself, it is only a phase I convince myself that I will get over it and in so doing it will be one of those things I can casually talk about in conversations for the far future, “I once did that too, and it did not pay” conversations to heed and lead the young to a better path, advice for the youth, wisdom to the ones that wish to learn.

Slowly but surely I realize that I have been telling myself this lie so long it has started feeling like the truth. I can handle the drinking, the smoking, I can handle the thriving, but can I? Can I really? No I can’t man, not even a little, my body was never engineered to take in alcohol, I’m what you call a light head, a couple of beers, a glass of two of something to scratch the throat, something that will make you squint your eyes and believe me you, I am out like a bulb, The very bulb that Tomas Edison brought light to. How do I know it is a lie, everything I always convince myself of is a lie, I know because I can never get myself to really commit a 100 percent to the cause of leaving alcohol, I can never subliminally vow to not drink anymore, all I do is hope that I don’t get drunk when I’m sober and wake up the next day with a throbbing migraine and no memory after the drink that got me drunk. I am susceptible to this, I am a slave to the drink, will I ever be freed? I want to be freed. So bad,

I want to be freed because now I live in a shattered home. The source of my food intake, and income wills not to speak to me for I have done her wrong so many times that if I could count, not even the tally of an abacus would quantify the measure of how many times I have disappointed. I tell myself next year will come and I will go back to Windhoek, become a better person, study harder leave the drink but I always have the demoralizing voice telling me, shit, ‘you gon keep drinking until you drop’. That is not what I want because I am being an embarrassment for all the things I stand for when sober, I am no contrary to a Pentecostal pastor that does not practice what they preach, ruined from the beginning. Home is no longer the same because instead of accepting one another, we tolerate one another now, look at each other in eye corners and under our breathes  we mutter words sharp enough to make the devils skin cringe. I do not want it to be this way not now.

Society has almost labelled me a CERTIFIED ALCOHOLIC by now. The things I do when drunk, the words I say, the people I talk to, the memories of last night that I never have. Those humiliating moments that society conserves to upload on social media for a laugh about how crazy a chill or a thrive was, even if these updates are at the expense of reputations or one, that is mine. These defining events that carve you out as what you become when drunk and not sober, the number of times you let your gentleman bar fall because of how you lose coordination when drunk. These will always be factors that society will associate to who I am because I am who I am when drunk. Alas see,  it is not who I want to be, I want to be much greater than a guy behind a beer, or that bottle of Jack I want to be an example to the kids that I can make it with having to drunk myself into oblivion but quite that path.

So this is what I am going to do, not try but do. I will no longer smoke, anything other than hookah, I will not consume alcohol, it is even expensive and it does not build, looking for greener pastures is never good with a tainted vision. I have to be focused, I will chill I will thrive but may the power of energy drinks be enough a high for me to thrive. You change you don’t remain the same, and that is what I plan to enforce here today, upon the principles that guide me to a better tomorrow, upon God who shall be my only witness but most supreme in ruling, I will get out of this I will no longer be the alcoholic disgrace, that I have been for the past couple of years. It is too much and I just cannot anymore, I have lost so much and brought about mountain loads of controversy and truth be told I am tired of the spotlight, I am tired of being  the center of attraction for laughs, puns and slurs about how bad I am when drunk.

I will not go to waste, I shall not deteriorate with the dust that will become of alcohol close to me, I will rise and so as to conquer the empire of my life, I will slay thrive and become a person that will say “alcohol almost ruined me, but I did not allow it to”.

Stay safe.